Searching for a new laptop online is basically forcing your current computer to dig its own grave.
Shouldn’t a photographer who specializes in taking photos of school classes to be actually called a school shooter?
If you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth – just like a garbage bin.
We have simply the best shower thoughts – you know, the mind-blowing thoughts that just hit you in the shower! Very funny!
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it.
It was a shitzu…
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, “I’m not happy.”
I said, “Well, which one are you then?”
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because he was framed!
Why do scuba divers fall backward out of the boat? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat!