I knocked a whole display over in Poundland

/Comedy Jokes/

“i knocked a whole display over in Poundland, �4 worth of damage” (wrestling a tramp in Poundland)

This is really funny

/Comedy Jokes/

That is the thing with comedy, sometimes I’m sitting at home and I’ve written a joke and I am laughing “this is really funny” and then you do it on stage and you get….. (silence). 

What am I supposed to do if I go bald?

/Comedy Jokes/

What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act! 

Those kids were fat!

/Comedy Jokes/

“When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop” 

I got on the property ladder this year.

/Comedy Jokes/

I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, “If only they had an accident”. 

I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says.

/Comedy Jokes/

I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. “You don’t have to be made to work here, but it helps.” Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.

I undercut her with a wet wipe

/Comedy Jokes/

“i undercut her with a wet wipe” (the ‘orange girls’ in boots) 

Eating out in restaurants before he was famous

/Comedy Jokes/

“I’ll just have a napkin and a breadstick” (eating out in restaurants before he was famous) 

If I had ten friends I wouldn’t be reading this shit!

/Comedy Jokes/

“Send this on to ten friends” Ten? If I had ten friends I wouldn’t be reading this shit! I’d be booking city breaks and having sleepovers with my TEN friends. 

People always name their kid’s famous names now don’t they?

/Comedy Jokes/

“People always name their kid’s famous names now don’t they? Well, I was in Tesco the other day and the woman serving me was called ‘Umm… Danon (8)'”