“i knocked a whole display over in Poundland, �4 worth of damage” (wrestling a tramp in Poundland)
That is the thing with comedy, sometimes I’m sitting at home and I’ve written a joke and I am laughing “this is really funny” and then you do it on stage and you get….. (silence).
What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!
“When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop”
I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, “If only they had an accident”.
“i undercut her with a wet wipe” (the ‘orange girls’ in boots)
“I’ll just have a napkin and a breadstick” (eating out in restaurants before he was famous)
“Send this on to ten friends” Ten? If I had ten friends I wouldn’t be reading this shit! I’d be booking city breaks and having sleepovers with my TEN friends.
“People always name their kid’s famous names now don’t they? Well, I was in Tesco the other day and the woman serving me was called ‘Umm… Danon (8)'”